A 'new' first 23 years in the making

Days since upgrade: 22

Tonight is a really important 'new first' in my implantee life - I shall try and explain.

I've always been a huge music lover. Ever since I was old enough to buy my own music (first single I bought was Beat Surrender by The Jam, see I even have good taste), I have been passionate about music, across many genres.

In case you are wondering, no my deafness was NOT brought about by listening to loud music (it's via autoimmune disease).

Anyway, to lose my hearing, also meant being cut off brutally from one of the biggest passions in my life, music. Music connects us and helps us to interpret how we are feeling in so many ways. You only have to hear a few beats of a favourite piece of music, and you can be right back somewhere with a memory, good or not so good. Losing my connection to music also meant losing my connection to all of these memories too - it was too much to bear, so I sold all of my precious vinyl collection as I never expected to be able to be able to listen to them ever again. Keeping them would have been too much of a reminder of what I could no longer have.

Losing my hearing also meant the end of gig going too. I have been lucky enough to see some greats - Guns n Roses, The Cult, Megadeth, Metallica, The Almighty, Diamond Head, Blind Melon, Soul Asylum - I have some great memories too of those times, the music, the people, the whole atmosphere, losing your hearing also disconnects you from this.

So why is tonight a new first?

Since I've had my cochlear implant I've been slowly rehabilitating myself with music. It's been a slow process, firstly because I've needed to purchase my favourites again, but secondly as I've had to patiently retrain my brain to understand what music is. I've printed off the lyrics and listened along, and I've fell in love all over again.

Tonight marks a very special 'new first' as I'm off to see my first big gig - AC/DC 'Rock or Bust' tour in Manchester - and I am beyond excited, it's going to be like hearing live music again for the very first time, as essentially it is. I have absolutely n idea how my implant is going to cope with the music and screaming fans, but I can't stop the fear stop me trying, I need to connect again.

Upgrade - the day afterwards...

Days since upgrade: 1

It's taken me a day to get this down, yesterday was too exhausting and emotional in equal measure.

Why exhausting? I hadn't really banked on my brain reacting quite so powerfully to the new software, if felt like the mental equivalent of a marathon, followed by 100 press-ups, the start of the acclimatising process was surprisingly draining and by the end of the day I just needed to sleep.

Why emotional? Well many reasons really, it's wasn't emotional in the way the first switch on was - no, nothing like that at all. The emotion really came from the continued gratitude that I have that I live in a world where I have access to an option that gives me access to sound. Where else could I walk into a hospital, receive such genuine care, support and dedicated attention? The people at Glan Clwyd Hospital, yesterday, particularly Rhiannon was brilliant, I could not have asked for better. Why else emotional? For the kindness as ever, for friends. I know it's an odd concept for people to understand, heck I don't 'get it' most days, but I am some humbled that it doesn't seem to scare people off, they only send more kindness my way - believe me I fold it up and store it away for my more wobbly days.

So what exactly happened yesterday?

Here's the quick guide!

I met with Rhiannon, my hearing scientist, and she took me through my rather exciting suitcase of new gear, yes my teeny tiny implant means a whole new kit! Yay! Cochlear (the manufacturer of my implant) had decided to offer us recipients an additional upgrade gadget as a gift, I chose a 'mini mike' so I can stream music.

Next, I was hooked up to the PC, and we did a quick check all my electrodes were firing OK - check they were, all good.

 

Next job was to say a fond farewell to Ludwig, my old processor who has served me well over the last five years, while my whole hearing life was downloaded to Blodwen, my new hearing companion.

My new gadgets were then paired up with each other, this means my remote control (yes I have a remote control for my head...) can operate it, as well as mini mike - hope you are keeping up (can you understand while I was exhausted now, lots of learning as well as hearing!)

Finally, I was all switched on, and I was good to go, complete with my suitcase of new hearing gadgets.

Today, work has been an interesting experience - not least because I thought it would be a good idea to squeeze in 6 meetings to 7.5 hours, because everything sounds so different. The main difference about my new hearing set-up is that it has a 'scan' programme, which means the implant is constantly looking for the most appropriate hearing programme - which means quite a bit of autonomous change.

I've felt like a super spy today, I've heard people from across the office who I wouldn't usually hear (without seeing them). Some people's voices sound a lot more 'clipped', some voices deeper.

Music in the car has been a frustration, the new processor has a sound compressor, which has meant no more loud volume, not sure how this is going to work in two weeks time when I go to see AC/DC?!

So that's me, one day in.

I'm tired, elated, exhausted, happy - and looking forward talking and listening more.

The night before - it may be about machines, but this time it's personal

Days until upgrade: 0

It's the night before the big switchover, but instead of enjoying the sounds that I have become so used to (and I love) I have turned them off and I'm sitting here in enforced silence.

I'm not sure what says about me! Perhaps I am a sucker for 'punishment' or I want to start the letting go process... (In case something goes wrong)

So letting go of what I have become so used to over the last 5 years.

Over the last few days or so I have made sure that I have spoken 1-1, where possible, to people that mean the most to me, so that I can listen to their voices without distraction. I wanted to remember what those people's voices sound like NOW, as they are incredibly precious sounds to me, I truly adore them, more than those people will ever know.

Of course those people won't have been aware what I have been doing, I haven't sat them down and said, 'just talk to me, I don't want to forget what you sound like, in case you never sound the way you do now.' I have just babbled on in my usual random manner, and listened perhaps a little more intensely than usual.

How I have grown to love those voices - some who I have known forever, some who are a lot newer to me, but all are equally loved.

I look forward to hearing them again after tomorrow, how I will drink them in - people can recite the alphabet or shipping forecast, but it will be the most perfect thing ever as long I can hear the familiarity of their voices.

A joke or a techie?

Days until upgrade: 3

So another week has gone by and another week of ruminating has taken place.

In the interests of sharing, I have told a few people about what is coming up and it mostly has been received with perplexed faces, I must admit "I've been called for an upgrade," doesn't naturally flow in 2016 conversation, maybe in 2116 it will be a more regular part of dialogue.

The people I have told have either made it into a joke, ahh... getting a new head,  (Oh, I so wish I could ...) type of thing, or have needed the full on technical description of what an upgrade actually entails. So depending on the viewpoint I either am now feeling:

A joke: I am such a bloody freak I do new a new head as the current one is so awful it needs upgrading for 'normalities' sake

Or 

A techie: I am a full on cyborg, I have been reduced to describing myself in the terms of circuitry and gigabytes in light of my new blue tooth functionality and improved operating systems.

Of course, my sole and enduring 'want/need' in this life, is to be human. I feel like one of the robots yearning for humaneness in Isaac Asimov's Bicentennial Man, but ironically which each new 'upgrade' it's taking me further away from being human.

Ludwig is getting an upgrade...

Days until upgrade: 20

It's been a long time since I was here.
Not just physically here on my blog, though I have checked in from time to time - when I have signposted others on the same journey (just checking that I still existed!) but emotionally 'here' too- if that makes sense.

So how come I'm back here again now?

Am I getting another cochlear implant, erm, nope! Would I want one if was offered to be, hell yes!

I'm here again as last week a rather unexpected email popped up in my inbox, from my lovely team in Glan Clwyd, informing me:

YOUR N6 PROCESSOR UPGRADE AND KIT HAS ARRIVED - WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT FOR YOU NEXT WEEK, PLEASE CONFIRM

Wow - huge gulp....

Now, when it comes to getting your technology upgraded its mostly an exciting time. New mobile - cool, latest iPad - yay, latest gen games console - geeky - but for some reason I simultaneously read the email and went yay exciting and oh for the love of God not again.

Maybe its time for a confession, we are gathered here today to witness that I, Emma Leigh, has kinda started to accept myself as the new me, cybernetics and all. Yeah yeah, there are still the random irritations of dud batteries, dud ignorant people, but on the whole, my life has been a whole lot easier since having the cochlear implant and I flipping well LOVE IT!

I understand the practicalities of an upgrade are not too onerous - just hooking me up and downloading new software, providing me with new hardware - sounds like an episode of something of Channel 4... - but what it means to me is that I've stopped looking at myself in the mirror again, I don't want to see photos of me again, because it feels like yet another reinvention.

Argghhh - I guess I am over thinking, but better out than in.
I'll investigate these questions of identity as I plod towards upgrade city over the next 26 days.

Now Ludwig and I are One

Whooo - hello - time flies and all that.

Somehow it seemed appropriate to put fingers to keyboard to make reference to the fact that Ludwig is due to celebrate it's first birthday.... I'm one year on from implantation.

So..... what is the biggest 'hearing' difference in a year living with my implant? Environmental sounds - I had forgotten that they existed... the sound of pegs as they clip onto the washing line, taps running (though I still don't react to the sound and leave the sink to overflow...), background chatter (though I still can't make out all of what is being said, I get the semblance of words spoken). Yes lipreading is easier and I don't always have to follow people's faces (at least people who I know well) so much - but the bottom line is I am still a deaf person, albeit in a different way.

I remember that I received an award just before the op last year - well I have gone on to be awarded this year's version of that same award - so my brain much be functioning OK! I've also gone on to do a slightly different job - so having the implant has not been a hindrance or a barrier in a work sense. The only issue I could say about the workplace is that people seem to think a cochlear implant is a miracle cure - nope - I'm still deaf and I still fall asleep during meetings.

Casting my mind back, the biggest concern I had (apart from having my hair shaved off - ironic in that I DO have short hair now by choice) - was that would I ever be ME again? Hmmmm.... to tell the truth I don't think I can answer that one honestly - I still have ongoing identity issues that plague me... I still don't associate myself with the photo's taken of me before the operation, it does seem that person has gone - I feel more brittle now (which certainly doesn't make any sense). I think that possibly I am acting out the person who I think I am. Well it took time for me to accept my deafness in the first place, so I suppose it will take time to accept the new version of me now.

So would I go back and NOT have the implant? Absolutely NOT - it was the totally right thing for me to do at that time. If I was to be offered an implant for my other ear (which incidentally is practically useless, even with a hearing aid) - I would jump at the chance. Weird pluses include the comfort of wearing the implant compared to a hearing aid - it may look rather freaky but it vastly reduces the number of ear infections.

Of course, there have been challenging times on many occasions this year. The numerous scalp and implant site infections (plus turbo antibiotics, creams and being banned from wearing my implant for a week - the equivalent of being put into solitary confinement); the mapping sessions and getting my brain acclimatised to new hearing road maps; the day-to-day practicalities of being charged up, having spare batteries available, asking people to 'hold that thought' whilst you fumble around trying to rig yourself up again. The tinnitus remains horrendous...

So, that's a whistle stop tour of where 365 days takes you with an implant - Happy Birthday Ludwig.

The Last Post

Days since activation of implant: 15

Hello Dear Readers.

Today is going to be my last post on this blog.

As far as my cochlear implant journey goes, there isn't really much new to report each day - me telling you about sounds you are familiar with is Not such exciting reading!

I thought I'd sum up the whole experience (to date) so that if any of you are thinking about an implant for yourself or a member of your family you have my opinion - like it or not :)

So here goes!

Before

• Make sure that your audiologist gives you the choice of where you will be treated, and check out your options. I am really pleased I chose Glan Clywd - they have been marvellous, treating me like a human being with thoughts, ideas and feelings at all times.
• Try and find a buddy (if you are lucky like me your hospital will help). Getting to know Carla was really important to me (when if I did come across as having a hair fixation). Know one really understands like someone who has also walked down the same path, wearing the same shoes. I'm lucky now in that I have a friend for life in Carla.
• Talk. What I mean is, don't bottle things up. Even if you just manage to tell people that you feel scared, say it. 
• Make sure that you fully research different implant manufacturers (not all implants are the same). Try and find one that will work for YOU in YOUR life.
• Lean on your friends and family. In my case my wider family just weren't there. My friends have been invaluable - they have shown me such kindness and understanding, even when I was at my most manic.
• My own immediate family - Hubby, Dear Son and Dear Daughter have been, and continue to be amazing.

During (surgery)

• Rest - it's pretty major having your head unzipped. 
• Sleep as much as you can.
• Don't be embarrassed about your bald head - show it off with pride - it's one of the few times you can get away with a really wacky hair do :)

After (switch on)

• Expect the unexpected - everybody's experiences are different. Mine was amusing, some people's emotional.
• Be realistic - it DOES sound very different from anything you have ever heard before.
• Give yourself a break, if you have had years of deafness it WILL take time to get used to using your brain in a different way.
• Don't be embarrassed about wearing your implant - it is cool head gear for special people! AND don't let other people make you feel embarrassed either - they are the one's with the issue.
• Learn relaxation techniques, on the off chance you develop tinnitus - every little helps.

So that's it. It has been a really useful experience for me to blog each day - I can look back on the last two months and feel proud of myself for taking such a big step.

You never know - we might find ourselves back here in the future with Emma's Cochlear Implant Journey - Part Two (but I guess that's another story!!)

Just to let you know that I have opened up the comments section if you want to say hello.

That's all from me Dear Readers,

Emma xxxx

Doldrums

Days since activation of implant: 14

New sounds: Too much new noise

It's been a day of the doldrums today, I think it must be contagious as we all seem to have it at work.

The day started off with a few pointed questions from a fairly 'distant' colleague, who then informed me my voice is changing - though a another Dear Colleague in the background was shaking her head!!!! 

Perhaps I was using my posh voice :)

I was also asked if the magnet was a permanent fixture, or was it detachable, which is kinda funny I suppose. Well actually they do make bone anchored implants, where they make a sort of permanent plug in your head that you then attach a small box too - eeewwww imagine having a 'port' on your head - that is really a step too weird even for me.

I am now well accustomed to actually wearing Ludwig the processor, it is much more comfortable than a hearing aid - the massive plus side is not having my ear bunged up with plastic all the time.

As the doldrums day continued all the new noise started to get a bit too much, my brain is still at the stage where it is trying to take on board everything it hears, its 'not relevant filter' hasn't kicked in yet. 

My Dear Colleague sitting next to me even informed me that I was being too loud, bashing away at my keyboard (I am now aware that I type rather LOUDLY... - whoops, sorry Dear Colleagues)

Sideways glances

Days since activation of implant: 13

New sounds: The door into my workplace really creaks - how can I have possibly have missed that?

A slightly better nights sleep last night, I did manage to SLEEP until 3am, then woke up - so a bit of a back to front night.

Carla my implantee buddy experienced the same after her implant, so hopefully I will grow out of it too - it seems my head has turned into a new born baby!

So sideways glances - I happened to notice some sideways glances from people today, obviously trying to work out what it is I have stuck to my head. It seems that people are splitting into two groups - those who seem really interested about the implant, wanting to know how it works etc; and those who freak out at the sight of the implant (my TWIN brother was one of those, when he first looked at the implant he grimaced, like he was looking at a rancid, gaping wound).

No respite

Days since activation of implant: 12

New sounds: Announcements on the train

Today feels like it has been a t least three weeks long.

I went to bed early last night as I knew I would have a busy day today working in Manchester.

In order to distract myself from the horrid white noise I read for a while, well until I was doing the thing when your book keeps falling out of your hands but you carry on reading regardless.

Things were looking good - I had a quick chat to Hubby (no implant and no hearing aids either, I'm pretty good at lip reading him!) and turned the light off quickly - it was 10.30pm.

Then the noise started, the second my brain stopped concentrating on anything. For half an hour I lay in bed, trying just about every relaxation exercise I know - but it didn't work, so I got up and made hot chocolate and had an extra happy pill for relaxation purposes (I'm desperate OK).

After watching a bit of TV I felt a bit drowsy so I went back to bed quickly - only to find the minute I lay down the noise re-started. (Mid-nightish by now). In total exasperation I got up and put my implant back on - but the noise continued and merrily amplified the ticking of my clock, so Ludwig was sent to solitary confinement in the drying box. 

I then watched Shameless (fab) and Homes Under the Hammer (!!!!) before eventually nodding off at 3am.

I was up again at 6am, desperate not to miss my train into Manchester.

This whole tinnitus business is a real massive downside to the implant, which I'm becoming increasing fond of.

Slowly rejoining the human race... kinda

Days since activation of implant: 11
New sounds: Trying to keep up with multiple voices

Here is a picture of the people at the meeting, ha ha!!

A real back to reality day today, with three work meetings, one after the other.

It is the first time I have been involved with a large meeting since I returned last week, so keeping up with the Dalek voices was a little unusual to say the least! Weirdly my brain keep fluctuating between implant and hearing aid - it couldn't seem to make its mind up which was it was going to concentrate on. Anyway, it was good to feel involved and it was nice to be welcomed back - crikey, have I actually been missed??!!

Reaching out to some forgotten sounds

Days since activation of implant: 10
New sounds: Metallica at Milton Keynes Bowl, circa 1993, courtesy of Youtube

Me and Hubby have been having a blast from the past today and have been busy searching out concert footage, from when we were kids - well kids with kids!

Bizarrely my implant picks up quite well from my PC speakers, so we have been reliving the greats of Metallica, Megadeath, The Almighty, Diamond Head, Guns and Roses and The Cult.

In case anyone is wondering, no my hearing loss wasn't caused by listening to loud music at concerts...

It has been good to have some access to sounds from my past, it's things like that which help to reinforce my identity - who I was then, who I am now etc.

Like a good scout - be prepared

Days since activation of implant: 9

New sounds: My daughter's voice (we've not seen each other since Christmas, so it was the first time I had heard her voice using the implant)

Today was a lesson that I need to be more prepared.

I met up with my Dear Daughter to go shopping for a new guinea pig today (for her not me - I don't have space for another cage!!) and we had a lovely afternoon mooching around the shops and eventually choosing a new piggy.

We then collected Hubby and returned to Sale to drop off Dear Daughter and piggy (plus various piggy goodies).

After 10 minutes or so of chatting, I got the series of dreaded bleeps telling me that my battery was about to go flat. Unfortunately I didn't have a spare with me, so had to switch off - well actually I got a series of very indignant bleeps and the processor switched itself off!

Immediately I was shunted straight back outside the bubble - although DD and Hubby didn't exclude me, I could no longer keep up with the conversation (which goes to show how quickly I am becoming reliant on Ludwig).

We returned home and I have put everything to charge once again. I'm definitely going to have to be better prepared and carry around a charged up spare, or the kit which allows me to use some disposables (sounds like I am going to need a bigger bag...).

Have a break, have an implant break

Days since activation of implant: 8

New sounds: The telephone ringing in my hall

Well somehow I survived the week - discovered some new stuff, been reminded of the old stuff. It's been a week of odd reactions to say the least...

I can certainly tell a difference between the sound maps, and it does feels I have maybe taken a step backwards in the learning process today. 

I DO think that I and everyone around me need to remember that having the cochlear implant is NOT a cure for deafness, it's just like having a hearing aid embedded in your head (Carla my implantee buddy's words - not mine, she has got her head around things much better than me).

Obviously the long-term hope is that things like lip reading will become easier and less tiring. As Elaine the hearing therapist said yesterday, it's only been 7 days out of a life time; give yourself a break.

Well I'm having a break at the moment as Hubby and Dear Son are having a jamming session. Since I had a horrendous bout of tinnitus which sounded like garbled guitars I am sitting here minus my hearing devices - which feels like I have switched my brain off too!

A new sound map and an afternoon of tests

Days since activation of implant: 7

New sounds: Perfume squirting, prfft

Good job I had requested annual leave for this morning (before my 2nd mapping appointment) as I woke up to see Dear Son off to school then promptly fell asleep for another two hours - all the extra brain activity is wearing me out. Still feeling rather 'winded' after yesterday, even Hubby noticed that I seem to have gone backwards...

Anyway, it was quite a relief to go back to Glan Clywd as it feels kinda safe there; with people who make me feel normal and accepted.

My first appointment was with Elaine the hearing therapist who did some tests on my consonant recognition. Consonant recognition is more difficult than vowel recognition as they often don't have a 'sound' associated with them (practice saying 'a' - ahhh, then saying 'p' - puh).
I pleased to say I did well. Elaine said that I am continuing to make her job easier as I don't really need any rehab from her, just to go about my normal day to day stuff and let the sounds sink in.

After a short break (yes, the sessions include breaks as they are pretty exhausting), I met with Dr. Marie who did some speech recognition tests, to check my progress at week one. The speech tests involve listening to a round of 25 sentences, first with just the implant, then both hearing aid and implant together. This is then followed by individual word discrimination. The sentences are really random, so you can't guess as them, things like: the girl argues with her sister and the strawberry jam is very sweet.

My scores:

Pre-implant, left ear (which is now implanted ear) - 49% on sentence recognition

Post-implant, left side - 77% on sentence recognition

Post implant, using both implant and hearing aid - 85% on sentence recognition

Pre-implant, left ear - 0% on individual word recognition

Post-implant, left side - 27% on individual word recognition

All in all this is really outstanding after just a week! I was so pleased so get such good results as it feels like I'm giving something back to those who have invested their time and energy in me. Dr. Marie was also kind enough to say how everyone has enjoyed working with me as I try so hard and am good at following the rather extensive instructions!

Dr. Marie also did another sound map with me, checking my thresholds and the like - so in effect it's like my brain has been given a new road map to follow, just when it was beginning to find it's way with the old one (well it should make for an interesting bout of tinnitus later).

Tesco throws me a few crumbs of comfort

You know what it's like, you are having a lousy day - wondering why you bothered getting out of bed...

It seems that Tesco is now my number one provider of entertainment :) Yes, that's a smile - first one today.

I popped in to buy a few bits and bobs and made my way to the self-service till to pay (easier than having to deal with checkout staff....) 

Anyway, I put my goods through, bleep bleep bleep, then pressed 'finish and pay'. 

Then instead of the usual deep and sultry tones of, 'please swipe your clubcard,' it was a squeaky high-pitched Minnie Mouse version, 'please swipe your clubcard'!!!

Cue Emma looking around to see if anyone else was finding the voice as funny as me!!!

The cochlear implant changes the voice of ANYTHING which has a voice!!

I can see that Ludwig and the self-service checkout are going to become firm friends :)

One step forwards, 3 miles back

Days since activation of implant: 6

New sounds: Fire alarm at work

Today has not been a great success - reminders of why I don't belong. I'm a freak and a fool to think I did. The cochlear implant has succeeded in changing me, but not changing a thing.

Quote from Helen Keller ~

The problems of deafness are deeper and more complex, if not more important than those of blindness. Deafness is a much worse misfortune. For it means the loss of the most vital stimulus-- the sound of the voice that brings language, sets thoughts astir, and keeps us in the intellectual company of man.

Blindness separates us from things but deafness separates us from people. 

I hope, dear readers that you have had a better day.

Why won't it stop.......... :(

I think I'm losing my mind....

I decided to take Ludwig off a little earlier today as it has been a big day and I've had lots of new sounds to deal with (I also ended up having to charge everything up this afternoon too - flashing lights and bleeps a plenty telling me to take action).

I also had an ulterior motive that by taking the processor off earlier, then the white noise might stop earlier too.

IT'S NOT BLINKING WELL WORKED :(

The more I try to ignore it, the louder it gets, hiss hiss hiss, twang twang twang, then a power drill kind of noise....

My choices:

• Scream and try and drown out the noise
• Rant - but no one's home only me (well I could rant here...)
• Put the bloody processor back on again... nooooo... 
• Rummage in cupboards to see if we have any Kalms, Nytol and take the blinking lot...

It's going to be a long night....

Back to reality?

Days since activation of implant: 5

New sounds: Arghhhh... keyboards

It's pretty difficult knowing what to say today...

Anyway, it's my first day (or to be accurate, part day) back at work - I feel like my head has been replaced by a cabbage.

It was so easy to slip back into the routine of being 'positive me' - even when I am feeling pretty void inside.

Weirdly, I have got used to wearing Ludwig the processor and have accepted the benefits of the implant (heck, I'm even happy that I have had the operation done), but when I go back into a regular domain, like my workplace I feel a bit like a freak (hmmm... seems like I still have some work to do).

Thankfully my return to work is a phased one - which I need more than I thought I did - 5 hours today felt like a marathon (or maybe it was the never ending stream of emails to go through). Hopefully it will get easier.

Even though it was a quiet day at the office today, there were lots of new sounds for me... I never realised typing on keyboards was so loud - I always thought they were silent :) The sandwich vans, which visit our workplace, also have loud horns/tunes when they arrive - I have wondered in the past why people all seemed to get up together and disappear!

White Noise - Part two

Days since activation of implant: 4

New sounds: Dear Son chattering on his mobile in the kitchen, where he thinks I can't hear him (no more hiding from Mummy, ha ha!!)

I'm going to apologise before I continue, as this one is going to get pretty graphic. In fairness to the cochlear implant journey I am going to have to detail the nocturnal events which are happening.

As mentioned previously, Ludwig my processor gets switched off and put into it's drying case for the evening. Last night I fancied a bit of a read, so took a book up to bed with me. After an hour or so I felt tired, so put my book down and turned off the lights (Hubby was dozing away merrily at this point).

Anyway, I switched off the light and got back into bed (this was about midnight), then it started - the white noise. 

This noise is a new take on tinnitus (I have suffered from tinnitus for years, but this is really something else). The minute I try to relax and go to sleep the noise begins. Last night it sounded like the warbled sounds of a guitar playing (was it my brain trying to keep a grasp of what it had heard in the day??). It then turned to screeches and the hiss of white noise. Believe me, it sounds so loud to me I want to YELL loudly for it to SHUT UP. Part of me wanted to smash my head against the wall to make the sounds stop, it was pure torture.

For then next FOUR hours, I tossed, turned, sat up, lay back down, put my head under the pillow, propped my head up with more pillows to try and make it go away. In seriousness I considered getting up and swigging a bottle of Night Nurse or something to knock myself out.The last tine I looked at my clock it was 4.31am...

I eventually woke up at just before 10am, which doesn't bode well for getting up for work tomorrow. I currently feel like crap. I'm really hoping that at my mapping appointment on Thursday I can be given some useful strategies to manage it :(

White Noise

Days since activation of implant: 3

New sounds: Hubby playing the guitar badly (while he is upstairs and I am downstairs)

My head is still buzzing from all the new information that Ludwig is providing me, it gets a bit much sometimes and I have to yank the damn thing off (carefully, obviously).

Something that I didn't prepare myself for is the new additions to my daily regime.

In the morning I have to switch everything on, then check the battery (which is a rechargeable) to see if it has enough power for the day (more noise requires more battery power as the processor needs to work harder).

I then have to put my other battery to charge on it's recharging dock.

Following this I then switch my remote control (Ludwig 2) on, to alter the hearing environment, if required, and to do the 'is everything working OK' check.

At night the whole process is reversed, but Ludwig has to be placed in the drying out box. I have four different chargers and plugs for all these gadgets...

I came across an Australian blog yesterday of a woman called Katie who has done a similar blog about the process of receiving a cochlear implant. Weirdly we have both written about almost identical things - which makes who feel a little more normal thankfully. 

Katie had also written in depth about the isolation of deafness, personally I don't think those feelings will ever truly go away - at least with the implant it shows that we are willing to try pretty much anything (after all, given the choice would you willingly choose to walk around with a magnet and wires sticking to your head for the rest of your life??) to be accepted and included in the hearing world.

There's now only one day until I am due back at work, which I am dreading. The last four weeks seem to have sapped what confidence I had. While the work won't really have changed to much, I have.

Bring on 2011 :)

Days since activation of implant: 2

New sounds: the clock 'ticks' in my front room

Firstly - a very happy, healthy, kind, motivating, wish fulfilling New Year to you dear readers - if you have ever wanted to do something new, let this be the year that you do it. Without sounding cheesy, every day really does count (and don't forget to wear some sparkles, your best frocks and to burn your fancy candles).

I DO hope that you can continue on this journey with me - it feels a little scary at the moment, so the more riders in the train, the better.

I was reminded yesterday that no matter what, my 'hearing condition' was for life anyway (believe me - it is one 'present' I'd had gladly given back) - so in essence I have replaced one life long condition with something else - the implant - which is still a condition I'll have to work around in some shape or form, plus without the implant I'm now even more profoundly deaf than ever :(

While I might be coming across as a grumpy, ungrateful cow at the moment, I apologise, the whole issue with losing my hearing continues to be an issue for me.

Anyway, I'll slap on my positive face - you'll be glad to know that I lasted pretty much all day with the processor on yesterday, it's not uncomfortable to wear and to be honest I can hardly tell I'm wearing it for most of the time. The magnetic coil is actually quite cosy, though the implant site itself is quite swollen still. 

It is nice not having a load of plastic squished in my ear too. Incidentally the wonderfully kind people at Glan Clywd gave me something called a 'drying box' to take the moisture out of both my processor and hearing aid {it's a bit like a tumble dryer for hearing devices!!}. It is a BRILLIANT gadget, for the first time ever my poor stinky hearing aid has actually felt clean and fresh, which will hopefully reduce the number of ear infections that I get. It does make me wonder why the English NHS don't provide these - think of all the money they would save on antibiotics.

Anyway, when I'm sitting in the quiet of my front room, I can hear my mantle clock ticking, which Hubby tells me is actually very quiet indeed. When others are talking I can't hear it, but then again, people with good hearing wouldn't necessarily hear it either. Environmental sounds are easier to understand than speech so far, as their tones are usually quite deep and in one pitch.

When I went to bed last night, I had the strangest bout of tinnitus ever, it was like two cats screeching at each other. My poor brain was obviously trying to suck sound from somewhere... perhaps it was missing Ludwig!

Ludwig is glowering at me in the corner....

Days since activation of implant: 1

New sounds: None yet, as I haven't got Ludwig out of the box...

By the end of the day yesterday my brain stopped recognising sounds and the sound level from the implant dropped significantly (I was warned that this would happen). In typical deafy fashion, I just wanted it to be LOUDER and LOUDER.

Well, it's the first new day of my 'other' deaf life.

I'm feeling more emotional about the experience today, the excitement of yesterday has given way to feeling a little more anxious today (thank goodness for the miracle of happy pills).

The new sounds that I heard yesterday are so vastly different to what I have heard before, even what I think I can remember hearing before. It is so strange having the sensation of sound inside my head instead of it blasting at my ear drums. Its almost as if I can feel the sensation of the electrodes firing off. Another thing I noticed is that there is a very, very slight delay in the sound registering - which I suppose is understandable, given that the processors need to do their work.

Hubby thinks that my new head gear is cool - given that he is quite a fan of the Six Million Dollar Man, he now has his very own Cyborg.

Anyway, I expect I'm going to have to bite the proverbial bullet and get Ludwig out now...

Ludwig and I

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 0 - today's the day

Not sure that I can even begin describing today, it has been the strangest day ever...

Here is a summary.

Arrived at hospital and introduced to Chief Exec chap.

Rigged up to the computer by Dr. Marie - hearing aid removed.

Another test of the electrodes to check that they are still firing - they were.

The moment of truth, the big switch on by Dr. Marie..... a slight pause... cue lots of strange bleeps and whirrs (imagine the sound of being 'beamed' somewhere in Star Trek/Wars) another pause, then a strange tinny voice saying, 'can you hear me? Tell me if you hear anything?'

I then burst into laughter as it sounded like I was being addressed by a mixture of Mickey Mouse, R2D2 and C-P30 - the 'big moment' and all I could do was giggle :D

We all then sat around marvelling at how wonderful the human brain is, while I continued to giggle...

A short break for a brew, then I met the hearing therapist, who put me through my paces to determine where the rehab needs to start.

Bizarrely I ACED all the tests, I have never concentrated so hard in my life! She and Hubby were really amazed (me too - I was being very serious at this point) - I must point out at this point my responses are the exception to the rule, people don't normally recite sentences after just an hour of wearing an implant.

Elaine the hearing therapist then took me on an 'environmental tour' to listen to doors, air conditioning, toilets flushing(!!!) and such like, weird - I never realised these things makes noises. I'm also going to have to start tip toeing about, I sound like a fairy elephant clomping around.

After lunch we concentrated on setting up my remote assistant, which is now known as Ludwig 2. I now have a variety of programmes to try before my next appointment in 7 days time.

It is fair to say I am absolutely exhausted now, my brain is well and truly frazzled - which is normal.

Think I am going to have to take a fold up bed wherever I go then I can have a nap - goodness only knows how I am going to get on when I go back to work.

Anxiety...

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: still 1

Feeling really anxious and can't settle................................ :(

Preparing the head gear

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 1
Today's thoughts: What if I don't like it???

Taken down the Christmas decorations today, as it seemed right that as I had put them up just before the operation, they needed to come down before switch on - the new beginning...

I have been faffing around with the processor today, trying to 'pair' it up with the remote assistant, so that they talk to each other (useful for when I want to alter the volume, change the programmes, switch it on and off etc).
It was pretty complicated, I think I'll be walking around with the instruction book for a while, working out what the different coloured flashes mean.

This is what my processor and magnet will look like.

It kinda suits my hair colour well - which is as good a reason as any for choosing a processor colour!

Here is the remote assistant (please note - it's not my hand!!)

From tomorrow onwards, these will be my constant companions, wherever I go, Ludwig (yep, I've settled on Ludwig for my processors name) will accompany me.

Part of me still thinks, what did I do to end up here, in this situation, kinda thing... karma works in funny ways I guess.

My brother has also kindly brought me a talking book (CD and verbatim book) to assist with my initial word recognition.

My audiologist recommends that I start of children's books as they have simpler sentences and language. So my first book is officially.... Finding Nemo!!

Cyborg: a definition

A cyborg is seen as a person who is “differently human” by becoming, to some degree, directly dependent on technology/software for life-enhancing or life-preserving functions, i.e. - a cochlear implantee.

Getting to know you (well me)

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 2
Today's thoughts: It's all a bit of a jumble really

Woke up feeling dizzy again today AND another two white stitches have appeared, one which has fallen out (makes me wonder if I am coming apart at the seams on the inside - ahhh, the irony).

Feeling a little anxious about the 'switch on' - as I have spent the last three weeks getting acclimatised to being a person with one functioning ear (well hearing aid in my case).

I have tried on the head gear... errr.. processor again, and this time I didn't like it so much. I suppose I had better LEARN to like it as its going to be my new constant companion.

Perhaps I should give it a name to make it seem some personable?? Maybe Ludwig after Beethoven!

The alternative reality of being a deafy

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 3
Today's thoughts: Parallel worlds

The bizarre joys of being a deaf person were brought home to me this afternoon in quite unique circumstances!

After Hubby and I took Dear Daughter and her Fiance home to Sale, we decided to take the scenic route (the M6 was going at a snails pace) - and stopped off at a Garden Centre (obviously still on our quest to visit Cheshire's finest!!)

As with all our visits to garden centres our first stop was the coffee shop. We placed out order and then began chatting about a TV programme I had watched earlier about Indian Railways (yes I know, strange) - I'm definitely going to save up to visit as soon as funds allow :)
Anyway the drinks arrived and we carried on our conversation.

Hubby: So what do you like about *muffled*

Me: Sorry, say that again, what do I like about what??

Hubby: *finger spells the muffled word*

Me: In here? Well I like the tasty food and the interesting gift shop on the way out!

Hubby: Ehhh? No, INDIA - what do you like about INDIA?

Cue lots of spluttering and laughing! I thought Hubby had said, 'what do you like about in here' - meaning the garden centre :)

So in my alternative reality the conversation went, so Emma, what do you like India? "Because of it's tasty food and the interesting gift shop on the way out!"

Ha ha, it is still making me laugh now :)

For the record, I like INDIA for the culture, amazing scenery etc! (However, I'm sure the food is also good and there are plenty of interesting gift shops!!!)

Just call me Mona Lisa

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 4
Today's thoughts: Out with the old...

Another round of family gatherings to contend with/enjoy today.
For some reason, my Mother decided to 'share' her new violin concert DVD with us. At the best of times it would sound bad - but with one hearing aid and and background chatter to me it sounded like rush hour traffic (or at least what I think rush hour traffic sounds like!).

We then popped to visit various in-laws and more noise confusion reined, in the end it seemed easier to sit there with an enigmatic smile on my face.

Just returned home to make curry out of the beef leftovers - nothing at all to do with having a cochlear implant - but at least you know how I have spent my Boxing Day :)

So here it is Merry Christmas...

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 5

Today's thoughts: When I'm in the crowd.

I hope this day is bringing you good cheer.

It's been a slightly different day in the Leigh Household, due to changes in our family set-up, plus Dear Daughter announced her engagement!

Apart from the obligatory burnt digit, we have had a relaxing day - I have purposefully decided to keep our family gatherings small this year, so I can at least feel involved in things - my BIGGEST bug bear as a deafy is social gatherings, as I feel 'outside the bubble' - watching stuff happening, I wonder if that will change when the implant is switched on.

When I'm in the crowd, I can't remember my name
and my only link is pots of Wall's ice cream
when I'm in the crowd - I don't see anything

~ The Jam

So this is Christmas

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 6

Today's thoughts: Silent Night

Just a word of thanks to those who have/are following my cochlear implant journey - my stats tell me readers from the UK, USA, Croatia, Malaysia and Singapore have joined the ride.

Thinking of Christmas, the best 'gift' we can hope to give to others and receive from others is that of understanding. 

Sometimes it's so complicated to make sense of our own lives, never mind others - but trying to understand and walk alongside someone is the best gift of all - it doesn't cost us a penny either.

I hope this Christmas brings you many smiles.

Why didn't someone tell me???

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 7

Today's thoughts: the sound of silence

I think I might have mentioned that I am currently reading a book called 'Rebuilt' by Michael Chorost. It follows the authors story of being implanted (in America about 10 or so years ago).

How I wish I had come across this book before - all the time when I really, genuinely did think I was losing my mind, I was actually going through a fairly normal transition. Pretty much every word written rings true for me.

Here is a short paragraph about the period before the authors implantation:

But most of all I have become an emotional creature I can't recognise. I'm sobbing in my car, sobbing in locked bathrooms, sobbing on my couch at home. To be sure, anyone would grieve for lost ears and fear an uncertain future, but these feeling are like a jagged slash torn in the beige fabric of my life.

I certainly recognise myself there, I expect those who know me would too.

The flip side of this, for me personally, is trying to come to terms with what I am now - gosh I sound so bloody self indulgent - but trust me on this one - it is a real challenge.

I am definitely going to put together information for the hospital (Glan Clywd) for adults undergoing the cochlear implantation process, particularly for young (!) adults who have become deafened. Hopefully my psychology studies will help. I desperately want something positive from my experiences to be helpful to others in the future.

On a lighter note - as it is the eve, of Christmas Eve (as my dear daughter would say!!) the shopping marathon is now complete - if I haven't bought it, I certainly won't be buying it tomorrow :)

I'm still waiting for my Hubby's presents to be delivered from Amazon (they should have arrived on the 8th of December - it appears that Royal Mail sent the parcel to Scotland and its been stuck in the snow ever since) - so I am going to have to be creative if they don't arrive tomorrow.

And another thing - I managed to pull out the white piece of cotton from my scar! It was an inch long, eeewwww - totally freaky :)