A 'new' first 23 years in the making

Days since upgrade: 22

Tonight is a really important 'new first' in my implantee life - I shall try and explain.

I've always been a huge music lover. Ever since I was old enough to buy my own music (first single I bought was Beat Surrender by The Jam, see I even have good taste), I have been passionate about music, across many genres.

In case you are wondering, no my deafness was NOT brought about by listening to loud music (it's via autoimmune disease).

Anyway, to lose my hearing, also meant being cut off brutally from one of the biggest passions in my life, music. Music connects us and helps us to interpret how we are feeling in so many ways. You only have to hear a few beats of a favourite piece of music, and you can be right back somewhere with a memory, good or not so good. Losing my connection to music also meant losing my connection to all of these memories too - it was too much to bear, so I sold all of my precious vinyl collection as I never expected to be able to be able to listen to them ever again. Keeping them would have been too much of a reminder of what I could no longer have.

Losing my hearing also meant the end of gig going too. I have been lucky enough to see some greats - Guns n Roses, The Cult, Megadeth, Metallica, The Almighty, Diamond Head, Blind Melon, Soul Asylum - I have some great memories too of those times, the music, the people, the whole atmosphere, losing your hearing also disconnects you from this.

So why is tonight a new first?

Since I've had my cochlear implant I've been slowly rehabilitating myself with music. It's been a slow process, firstly because I've needed to purchase my favourites again, but secondly as I've had to patiently retrain my brain to understand what music is. I've printed off the lyrics and listened along, and I've fell in love all over again.

Tonight marks a very special 'new first' as I'm off to see my first big gig - AC/DC 'Rock or Bust' tour in Manchester - and I am beyond excited, it's going to be like hearing live music again for the very first time, as essentially it is. I have absolutely n idea how my implant is going to cope with the music and screaming fans, but I can't stop the fear stop me trying, I need to connect again.

Upgrade - the day afterwards...

Days since upgrade: 1

It's taken me a day to get this down, yesterday was too exhausting and emotional in equal measure.

Why exhausting? I hadn't really banked on my brain reacting quite so powerfully to the new software, if felt like the mental equivalent of a marathon, followed by 100 press-ups, the start of the acclimatising process was surprisingly draining and by the end of the day I just needed to sleep.

Why emotional? Well many reasons really, it's wasn't emotional in the way the first switch on was - no, nothing like that at all. The emotion really came from the continued gratitude that I have that I live in a world where I have access to an option that gives me access to sound. Where else could I walk into a hospital, receive such genuine care, support and dedicated attention? The people at Glan Clwyd Hospital, yesterday, particularly Rhiannon was brilliant, I could not have asked for better. Why else emotional? For the kindness as ever, for friends. I know it's an odd concept for people to understand, heck I don't 'get it' most days, but I am some humbled that it doesn't seem to scare people off, they only send more kindness my way - believe me I fold it up and store it away for my more wobbly days.

So what exactly happened yesterday?

Here's the quick guide!

I met with Rhiannon, my hearing scientist, and she took me through my rather exciting suitcase of new gear, yes my teeny tiny implant means a whole new kit! Yay! Cochlear (the manufacturer of my implant) had decided to offer us recipients an additional upgrade gadget as a gift, I chose a 'mini mike' so I can stream music.

Next, I was hooked up to the PC, and we did a quick check all my electrodes were firing OK - check they were, all good.

 

Next job was to say a fond farewell to Ludwig, my old processor who has served me well over the last five years, while my whole hearing life was downloaded to Blodwen, my new hearing companion.

My new gadgets were then paired up with each other, this means my remote control (yes I have a remote control for my head...) can operate it, as well as mini mike - hope you are keeping up (can you understand while I was exhausted now, lots of learning as well as hearing!)

Finally, I was all switched on, and I was good to go, complete with my suitcase of new hearing gadgets.

Today, work has been an interesting experience - not least because I thought it would be a good idea to squeeze in 6 meetings to 7.5 hours, because everything sounds so different. The main difference about my new hearing set-up is that it has a 'scan' programme, which means the implant is constantly looking for the most appropriate hearing programme - which means quite a bit of autonomous change.

I've felt like a super spy today, I've heard people from across the office who I wouldn't usually hear (without seeing them). Some people's voices sound a lot more 'clipped', some voices deeper.

Music in the car has been a frustration, the new processor has a sound compressor, which has meant no more loud volume, not sure how this is going to work in two weeks time when I go to see AC/DC?!

So that's me, one day in.

I'm tired, elated, exhausted, happy - and looking forward talking and listening more.

The night before - it may be about machines, but this time it's personal

Days until upgrade: 0

It's the night before the big switchover, but instead of enjoying the sounds that I have become so used to (and I love) I have turned them off and I'm sitting here in enforced silence.

I'm not sure what says about me! Perhaps I am a sucker for 'punishment' or I want to start the letting go process... (In case something goes wrong)

So letting go of what I have become so used to over the last 5 years.

Over the last few days or so I have made sure that I have spoken 1-1, where possible, to people that mean the most to me, so that I can listen to their voices without distraction. I wanted to remember what those people's voices sound like NOW, as they are incredibly precious sounds to me, I truly adore them, more than those people will ever know.

Of course those people won't have been aware what I have been doing, I haven't sat them down and said, 'just talk to me, I don't want to forget what you sound like, in case you never sound the way you do now.' I have just babbled on in my usual random manner, and listened perhaps a little more intensely than usual.

How I have grown to love those voices - some who I have known forever, some who are a lot newer to me, but all are equally loved.

I look forward to hearing them again after tomorrow, how I will drink them in - people can recite the alphabet or shipping forecast, but it will be the most perfect thing ever as long I can hear the familiarity of their voices.

A joke or a techie?

Days until upgrade: 3

So another week has gone by and another week of ruminating has taken place.

In the interests of sharing, I have told a few people about what is coming up and it mostly has been received with perplexed faces, I must admit "I've been called for an upgrade," doesn't naturally flow in 2016 conversation, maybe in 2116 it will be a more regular part of dialogue.

The people I have told have either made it into a joke, ahh... getting a new head,  (Oh, I so wish I could ...) type of thing, or have needed the full on technical description of what an upgrade actually entails. So depending on the viewpoint I either am now feeling:

A joke: I am such a bloody freak I do new a new head as the current one is so awful it needs upgrading for 'normalities' sake

Or 

A techie: I am a full on cyborg, I have been reduced to describing myself in the terms of circuitry and gigabytes in light of my new blue tooth functionality and improved operating systems.

Of course, my sole and enduring 'want/need' in this life, is to be human. I feel like one of the robots yearning for humaneness in Isaac Asimov's Bicentennial Man, but ironically which each new 'upgrade' it's taking me further away from being human.

Ludwig is getting an upgrade...

Days until upgrade: 20

It's been a long time since I was here.
Not just physically here on my blog, though I have checked in from time to time - when I have signposted others on the same journey (just checking that I still existed!) but emotionally 'here' too- if that makes sense.

So how come I'm back here again now?

Am I getting another cochlear implant, erm, nope! Would I want one if was offered to be, hell yes!

I'm here again as last week a rather unexpected email popped up in my inbox, from my lovely team in Glan Clwyd, informing me:

YOUR N6 PROCESSOR UPGRADE AND KIT HAS ARRIVED - WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT FOR YOU NEXT WEEK, PLEASE CONFIRM

Wow - huge gulp....

Now, when it comes to getting your technology upgraded its mostly an exciting time. New mobile - cool, latest iPad - yay, latest gen games console - geeky - but for some reason I simultaneously read the email and went yay exciting and oh for the love of God not again.

Maybe its time for a confession, we are gathered here today to witness that I, Emma Leigh, has kinda started to accept myself as the new me, cybernetics and all. Yeah yeah, there are still the random irritations of dud batteries, dud ignorant people, but on the whole, my life has been a whole lot easier since having the cochlear implant and I flipping well LOVE IT!

I understand the practicalities of an upgrade are not too onerous - just hooking me up and downloading new software, providing me with new hardware - sounds like an episode of something of Channel 4... - but what it means to me is that I've stopped looking at myself in the mirror again, I don't want to see photos of me again, because it feels like yet another reinvention.

Argghhh - I guess I am over thinking, but better out than in.
I'll investigate these questions of identity as I plod towards upgrade city over the next 26 days.