Friday 31 December 2010

Ludwig is glowering at me in the corner....

Days since activation of implant: 1
New sounds: None yet, as I haven't got Ludwig out of the box...

By the end of the day yesterday my brain stopped recognising sounds and the sound level from the implant dropped significantly (I was warned that this would happen). In typical deafy fashion, I just wanted it to be LOUDER and LOUDER.

Well, it's the first new day of my 'other' deaf life.
I'm feeling more emotional about the experience today, the excitement of yesterday has given way to feeling a little more anxious today (thank goodness for the miracle of happy pills).

The new sounds that I heard yesterday are so vastly different to what I have heard before, even what I think I can remember hearing before. It is so strange having the sensation of sound inside my head instead of it blasting at my ear drums. Its almost as if I can feel the sensation of the electrodes firing off. Another thing I noticed is that there is a very, very slight delay in the sound registering - which I suppose is understandable, given that the processors need to do their work.

Hubby thinks that my new head gear is cool - given that he is quite a fan of the Six Million Dollar Man, he now has his very own Cyborg.

Anyway, I expect I'm going to have to bite the proverbial bullet and get Ludwig out now...

Thursday 30 December 2010

Ludwig and I

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 0 - today's the day

Not sure that I can even begin describing today, it has been the strangest day ever...

Here is a summary.

Arrived at hospital and introduced to Chief Exec chap.
Rigged up to the computer by Dr. Marie - hearing aid removed.
Another test of the electrodes to check that they are still firing - they were.

The moment of truth, the big switch on by Dr. Marie..... a slight pause... cue lots of strange bleeps and whirrs (imagine the sound of being 'beamed' somewhere in Star Trek/Wars) another pause, then a strange tinny voice saying, 'can you hear me? Tell me if you hear anything?'
I then burst into laughter as it sounded like I was being addressed by a mixture of Mickey Mouse, R2D2 and C-P30 - the 'big moment' and all I could do was giggle :D

We all then sat around marvelling at how wonderful the human brain is, while I continued to giggle...
A short break for a brew, then I met the hearing therapist, who put me through my paces to determine where the rehab needs to start.

Bizarrely I ACED all the tests, I have never concentrated so hard in my life! She and Hubby were really amazed (me too - I was being very serious at this point) - I must point out at this point my responses are the exception to the rule, people don't normally recite sentences after just an hour of wearing an implant.

Elaine the hearing therapist then took me on an 'environmental tour' to listen to doors, air conditioning, toilets flushing(!!!) and such like, weird - I never realised these things makes noises. I'm also going to have to start tip toeing about, I sound like a fairy elephant clomping around.

After lunch we concentrated on setting up my remote assistant, which is now known as Ludwig 2. I now have a variety of programmes to try before my next appointment in 7 days time.

It is fair to say I am absolutely exhausted now, my brain is well and truly frazzled - which is normal.
Think I am going to have to take a fold up bed wherever I go then I can have a nap - goodness only knows how I am going to get on when I go back to work.

Wednesday 29 December 2010

Anxiety...

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: still 1

Feeling really anxious and can't settle................................ :(

Preparing the head gear

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 1
Today's thoughts: What if I don't like it???

Taken down the Christmas decorations today, as it seemed right that as I had put them up just before the operation, they needed to come down before switch on - the new beginning...

I have been faffing around with the processor today, trying to 'pair' it up with the remote assistant, so that they talk to each other (useful for when I want to alter the volume, change the programmes, switch it on and off etc).
It was pretty complicated, I think I'll be walking around with the instruction book for a while, working out what the different coloured flashes mean.

This is what my processor and magnet will look like.


It kinda suits my hair colour well - which is as good a reason as any for choosing a processor colour!
Here is the remote assistant (please note - it's not my hand!!)


From tomorrow onwards, these will be my constant companions, wherever I go, Ludwig (yep, I've settled on Ludwig for my processors name) will accompany me.

Part of me still thinks, what did I do to end up here, in this situation, kinda thing... karma works in funny ways I guess.

My brother has also kindly brought me a talking book (CD and verbatim book) to assist with my initial word recognition.

My audiologist recommends that I start of children's books as they have simpler sentences and language. So my first book is officially.... Finding Nemo!!


Tuesday 28 December 2010

Cyborg: a definition

A cyborg is seen as a person who is “differently human” by becoming, to some degree, directly dependent on technology/software for life-enhancing or life-preserving functions, i.e. - a cochlear implantee.

Getting to know you (well me)

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 2
Today's thoughts: It's all a bit of a jumble really

Woke up feeling dizzy again today AND another two white stitches have appeared, one which has fallen out (makes me wonder if I am coming apart at the seams on the inside - ahhh, the irony).

Feeling a little anxious about the 'switch on' - as I have spent the last three weeks getting acclimatised to being a person with one functioning ear (well hearing aid in my case).

I have tried on the head gear... errr.. processor again, and this time I didn't like it so much. I suppose I had better LEARN to like it as its going to be my new constant companion.

Perhaps I should give it a name to make it seem some personable?? Maybe Ludwig after Beethoven!

Monday 27 December 2010

The alternative reality of being a deafy

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 3
Today's thoughts: Parallel worlds

The bizarre joys of being a deaf person were brought home to me this afternoon in quite unique circumstances!

After Hubby and I took Dear Daughter and her Fiance home to Sale, we decided to take the scenic route (the M6 was going at a snails pace) - and stopped off at a Garden Centre (obviously still on our quest to visit Cheshire's finest!!)

As with all our visits to garden centres our first stop was the coffee shop. We placed out order and then began chatting about a TV programme I had watched earlier about Indian Railways (yes I know, strange) - I'm definitely going to save up to visit as soon as funds allow :)
Anyway the drinks arrived and we carried on our conversation.

Hubby: So what do you like about *muffled*

Me: Sorry, say that again, what do I like about what??

Hubby: *finger spells the muffled word*

Me: In here? Well I like the tasty food and the interesting gift shop on the way out!

Hubby: Ehhh? No, INDIA - what do you like about INDIA?

Cue lots of spluttering and laughing! I thought Hubby had said, 'what do you like about in here' - meaning the garden centre :)

So in my alternative reality the conversation went, so Emma, what do you like India? "Because of it's tasty food and the interesting gift shop on the way out!"

Ha ha, it is still making me laugh now :)

For the record, I like INDIA for the culture, amazing scenery etc! (However, I'm sure the food is also good and there are plenty of interesting gift shops!!!)

Sunday 26 December 2010

Just call me Mona Lisa

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 4
Today's thoughts: Out with the old...

Another round of family gatherings to contend with/enjoy today.
For some reason, my Mother decided to 'share' her new violin concert DVD with us. At the best of times it would sound bad - but with one hearing aid and and background chatter to me it sounded like rush hour traffic (or at least what I think rush hour traffic sounds like!).

We then popped to visit various in-laws and more noise confusion reined, in the end it seemed easier to sit there with an enigmatic smile on my face.

Just returned home to make curry out of the beef leftovers - nothing at all to do with having a cochlear implant - but at least you know how I have spent my Boxing Day :)

Saturday 25 December 2010

So here it is Merry Christmas...

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 5
Today's thoughts: When I'm in the crowd.

I hope this day is bringing you good cheer.

It's been a slightly different day in the Leigh Household, due to changes in our family set-up, plus Dear Daughter announced her engagement!
Apart from the obligatory burnt digit, we have had a relaxing day - I have purposefully decided to keep our family gatherings small this year, so I can at least feel involved in things - my BIGGEST bug bear as a deafy is social gatherings, as I feel 'outside the bubble' - watching stuff happening, I wonder if that will change when the implant is switched on.

When I'm in the crowd, I can't remember my name
and my only link is pots of Wall's ice cream
when I'm in the crowd - I don't see anything
~ The Jam

Friday 24 December 2010

So this is Christmas

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 6
Today's thoughts: Silent Night

Just a word of thanks to those who have/are following my cochlear implant journey - my stats tell me readers from the UK, USA, Croatia, Malaysia and Singapore have joined the ride.

Thinking of Christmas, the best 'gift' we can hope to give to others and receive from others is that of understanding
Sometimes it's so complicated to make sense of our own lives, never mind others - but trying to understand and walk alongside someone is the best gift of all - it doesn't cost us a penny either.

I hope this Christmas brings you many smiles.

Thursday 23 December 2010

Why didn't someone tell me???

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 7
Today's thoughts: the sound of silence

I think I might have mentioned that I am currently reading a book called 'Rebuilt' by Michael Chorost. It follows the authors story of being implanted (in America about 10 or so years ago).
How I wish I had come across this book before - all the time when I really, genuinely did think I was losing my mind, I was actually going through a fairly normal transition. Pretty much every word written rings true for me.

Here is a short paragraph about the period before the authors implantation:

But most of all I have become an emotional creature I can't recognise. I'm sobbing in my car, sobbing in locked bathrooms, sobbing on my couch at home. To be sure, anyone would grieve for lost ears and fear an uncertain future, but these feeling are like a jagged slash torn in the beige fabric of my life.

I certainly recognise myself there, I expect those who know me would too.

The flip side of this, for me personally, is trying to come to terms with what I am now - gosh I sound so bloody self indulgent - but trust me on this one - it is a real challenge.

I am definitely going to put together information for the hospital (Glan Clywd) for adults undergoing the cochlear implantation process, particularly for young (!) adults who have become deafened. Hopefully my psychology studies will help. I desperately want something positive from my experiences to be helpful to others in the future.

On a lighter note - as it is the eve, of Christmas Eve (as my dear daughter would say!!) the shopping marathon is now complete - if I haven't bought it, I certainly won't be buying it tomorrow :)
I'm still waiting for my Hubby's presents to be delivered from Amazon (they should have arrived on the 8th of December - it appears that Royal Mail sent the parcel to Scotland and its been stuck in the snow ever since) - so I am going to have to be creative if they don't arrive tomorrow.

And another thing - I managed to pull out the white piece of cotton from my scar! It was an inch long, eeewwww - totally freaky :)

Wednesday 22 December 2010

Flat battery

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 8
Today's thoughts: Ouch, tired - need some light at the end of my tunnel

Mmmm... another visit to work and another realisation of just how demanding sound and concentrating is. It makes everything seem a little insurmountable at times. I am so fortunate that people DO seem to be interested and I'm sure that I will get a lot of support on my return - the hardest part for me will be actually letting people help.

At work we shared lunch as a team, although I put my 'being positive' face on, I did feel rather lost. Thankfully the tomato incident did cheer me up no end!!!

My scar is really uncomfortable today too (maybe that's what making me a grouch). I have put the steroid tape on to try and speed up the healing, but it hasn't had any effect this time. Also Hubby has informed me that there appears to me some white cotton sticking out of the scar... maybe it's from the underneath stitches.

Tuesday 21 December 2010

I'm back, kinda

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 9
Today's thoughts: too many to narrow it down

A big day for me, re-visiting the workplace, have I changed? Has it changed? Not really but yes (which probably makes no sense whatsoever...)

I must admit my stomach really churned on the short drive to my workplace. Thankfully, my wonderfully thoughtful friend met me at the door and walked me through the building to our office (I'd possibly have been standing there now if she hadn't).

The first thing I noticed was how quiet it was, not that it was actually quiet, but hearing through one ear made everywhere seem ultra silent - even though I could see people chattering away around me. My team were as kind as ever - we seem to share the same ironic sense of humour which helps (and yes we can try attaching paperclips to my head!!!)

After an hour I really felt tired, I hadn't really accounted for the fact that hearing outside my house is doubly tiring when in mono - something I will have be mindful of - one step at a time, as I was reminded today!

This afternoon Hubby and I visited Bridgemere Garden World on our mission to visit all of the garden centres in our locality. It was really quiet (yes, quiet quiet) so we enjoyed a mooch, plus fortifying slice of carrot cake.

Today's cochlear implant fact - an implant has 22 electrodes which attempt to generate sound. These 22 electrodes work in combination to create the tone, pitch etc. The human ear has approximately 3,500 inner ear hair cells, which work together to create sound. I think this fact brings home the reality comparison of what an implant may achieve compared to 'normal' hearing. However, I am very grateful to have this opportunity to try.

Monday 20 December 2010

Time for a new countdown

Number of sleeps until activation of implant: 10
Today's thoughts: London Calling (very quietly)

Yesterday we ventured to London, as it was our 9 year old Goddaughter's and BIL's Christmas present. As we're big fans of the big city (being rural mice) we decided to give GD and BIL an 'experience' for Christmas. It was also going to be an experience for me too - going to a big, noisy city with just one sort-of functioning ear (or hearing device).

It was a total joy to see London through GD's eyes - which was made even more memorable thanks to the snow in London. Despite the cold we all had a brill time, managing to squeeze in Trafalgar Square, Whitehall, Houses of Parliament, South Bank, Covent Garden, Leicester Square, China Town, Piccadilly Circus and Hyde Park Winter Wonderland into a day! Virgin Trains decided to *give* us a tour of the Midlands on the way home, so our journey ended up taking 4 hours - we eventually got home at 3am...
So London in mono - my first impressions were that it was extremely quiet... Then I realised it was me NOT London. I did feel slightly worried when walking around that I was going to get my head bashed - the implant seems to be very close to the surface of my skin and I have weird visions of it popping out... eeewwww.

Today I have started my countdown to implant activation (aka - learning to be deaf in a different way). 
I have read many stories about activation day and it seems that to start with I will hear a cross between Donald Duck, Daleks and Miss. Othmar (from the Peanuts cartoon). My brain will have to start habituating the sound to sound like what I think things sound like... it's so complicated.

London calling, yes, I was there, too
An' you know what they said? Well, some of it was true!
London calling at the top of the dial
And after all this, won't you give me a smile?
London Calling
I never felt so much alive, alive, alive...
 
~ The Clash

Saturday 18 December 2010

My new head

Number of sleeps since implantation: 12
Today's thoughts: odd shape under my skin

The swelling is reducing around the operation site now and I can clearly feel the shape of the implant under my furry head - it is pretty weird. It feels a bit squishy - like the soft part of a baby's head.

It feels weird that this new shape is becoming a part of me... a bit freaky if I think about it too much.

Today's cochlear implant fact - insufficient research has been carried out on the effects of Bungee Jumping in implantees - the best they can suggest is that the external components are removed if you want to risk it...don't think I'll be adding to that particular research data base.

Friday 17 December 2010

Everybody is free to wear sunscreen

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97

Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis or reliable then my own meandering experience.  I will dispense this advice....now. 

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, nevermind, you won't understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded, but trust me in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. 

Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. 

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind: the kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday. 

Do one thing every day that scares you. 

Sing. 

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. 

Floss. 

Don't waste your time on jealousy.  Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind.  The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself. 

Remember compliments you receive; forget the insults. (if you succeed in doing this, tell me how). 

Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements. 

Stretch. 

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.  The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't. 

Get plenty of Calcium.  Be kind to your knees - you'll miss them when they're gone. 

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't.  Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't.  Maybe you'll divorce at 40; maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. 

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either.  Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. 

Enjoy your body: use it every way you can.  Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it; it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. 

Dance...even if you have no where to do it but in your own living room. 

Read the directions (even if you don't follow them). 

Do not read beauty magazines; they will only make you feel ugly. 

Get to know your parents; you never know when they'll be gone for good. 

Be nice to your siblings: they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. 

Understand that friends come and go, but what a precious few should hold on.  Work hard to bridge the gaps and geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young. 

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. 

Travel. 

Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old; and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders. 

Respect your elders. 

Don't expect anyone else to support you.  Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out. 

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you are 40, it will look 85. 

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.  Advice is a form of nostalgia; dispensing it is a way of wishing the past from the disposal - wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth. 

But trust me, I'm the sunscreen.
  
~Mary Schmich /Baz Luhrman

Embracing cybernetics

Number of sleeps since implantation: 11
Today's thoughts: an onion as well as a cyborg

I have an aching skull today. Everyday seems to reveal another layer of ache - perhaps it's the healing from inside out.

I'm also a bit of a clumsy so-and-so, as I banged my head getting into my car. Fortunately it about 2 inches away from where the implant is - even so it was a bit of a wake-up call about being careful.

Anyway, time for today's cochlear implant fact! An implant uses binary language (0 and 1) which is then processed by the circuitry inside the implant, which now lives in my skull.  This binary language is then converted into signals, which my brain then (well hopefully) makes sense of and learns to interpret as sound.

It's amazing to think that the device which is now melding it's way into my humanness has more power than a lot of desktop PCs.

Must dash, visitors have arrived - I hope the weekend is a good one for you :)

Thursday 16 December 2010

Leigh's Flower Emporium

Leigh's Flower Emporium - I am such a lucky girl :)
And another thing or two - some new philosophies to live life by (well... post implant, but feel free to join in!)
  • Wear more sparkles :)
  • Don't save your best frock for 'special' - everyday is
  • Burn your fancy candles - bottom line is that you can always get some more

Getting to know my inner cyborg

Number of sleeps since implantation: 10
Today's thoughts: Some loveliness to restore yin and yang

I have been incredibly spoiled today. My lovely friend took me to John Lewis' to look at all things sparkly (plus to eat cake, drink coffee and indulge in lunch).
More flowers have arrived, my front room (by 'eck - that makes me sound 'reet northern) is now looking to a fantastic flower emporium.

Today's cochlear implant fact - I can no longer use, or even remotely go near - a Van de Graaf generator (oh the excitement of 3rd Year Physics - making your hair stand on end) - if I did it would do utterly bizarre things to my implant.

Another thing - I now have to carry my cochlear implant ID card at all times - to warn others/security systems/ magnetic fields that I am a cyborg.

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I am in, therin to be content."
~ Hellen Keller

Wednesday 15 December 2010

I think, therefore I am.

Number of sleeps since implantation: 9
Today's thoughts: Parentwatch (no sightings - so decided to track the b*****rs down myself)

Quick update on Parentwatch - frustrated and confused that out of everyone I know I haven't heard from my Parents, I decided to pay Mother a visit today (please note dear readers - it is three weeks + since they have known the news).

Anyway, without turning this into a sob-fest - I said my piece, she said hers (apparently she didn't want to see me as she doesn't like seeing me in pain - o k a y) - In the end Mother couldn't look me in the eye. Do I expect progress, anything to change - nah.

We have found out today that my little cub (well 15 year old son) has broken his hand - my goodness, the tiger mom in me would do anything to protect my own children - fortunately Dear Son is not in any pain and is positively delirious with happiness that his school year has ended sooner than expected!!

On a lighter note Hubby and I spent the afternoon going through my new toy box - the novelty of sticking the magnet to my head is endlessly amusing - going to try household implements next :)

There is so much to learn, no doubt I'll bore you all with it all in the days to come (when we have worked it out, that is!)

Tuesday 14 December 2010

Something I wasn't expecting

Number of sleeps since implantation: 8
Today's thoughts: Re: Re: yesterdays and the day before - actually it is  : s

Today was 'stitches out' day at Glan Clywd - which turned into a quick but painful affair. My head didn't pop open and it seems that the surgeons have all done a fantastic job. My hair is also growing back quite rapidly (fortunately more or less the same colour too - always a bonus!) - but anything covering the scar area really irritates me at the moment, so I'm having to clip my weird 'half hair' back out of the way.

Anyway, after the stitches (ouch, painful - meany nurse) were removed and I had met with one of the surgeons it was time for surprise number one! Apparently some big-wig from NHS Wales had popped in to watch my surgery (blinking heck, the theatre must have been rather crowded) and is now interested in my case and I was asked if I minded him coming along to my activation. Of course, I'm all for sharing the good work of the NHS, so agreed. 
A bit funny that even when I am not at work I'm still doing my bit for the 'patient experience'

Next it was time for surprise number two - my audiologist wanted to test the implant, which I wasn't expecting to happen so soon. 
Anyway, she rigged my up to the machine and attached the magnet to my head (weird, but not in a bad way - it gave me the giggles), next she asked me to say if I heard or felt anything (us deafies feel sound when it can't be heard). 

As there are 22 implant channels each was switched on in turn - and I HEARD a beep/ring sound for every single one!!!!

OK it sounded like a out-of-tune Recorder recital, as played by a five year old - but at least I heard it. It was absolutely bonkers hearing sound inside my head, instead of having the sound blasted at my defunct ear drums. It was a kinda emotional experience.

To top the visit off I was given a H U G E case (to keep, ha ha) full of the implant bits, bobs and gadgets - I love a 'pack' so I'm just steadying myself before  I properly unpack it. The funniest thing is that the case looks like a giant ipod! I'm really hoping that I can have some 'show and tell' sessions so that I can show off the goods.

The big 'switch on' will take place on the 30th of December, so yet another countdown now begins.

Monday 13 December 2010

Sminks

Number of sleeps since implantation: 7
Today's thoughts: Re: yesterday's thoughts - no it's not... 

Today Hubby and I went to Chester, to finalise the Christmas shopping and to have a bit of time out.

We are making a right pair, Hubby with his knee, me with my zip head. Well, as you can imagine, it was a touch slow going. Fortunately it wasn't too busy (since everyone must be pretty spent up by now) so we ambled along, which turned into me walking too fast, then wondering where Hubby was as I couldn't hear him (cue lots of full body spins to find him).

We had lunch out (ha ha, BOGOF Turkey dinner!!!) and then coffee and cake (and shared painkillers in the afternoon).

Boy does my head hurt now,  so I'm trying to drag the time out until painkiller time, so that I can get a semi-decent sleep - have fallen into a habit of waking up at 3.30am for more sminks (AKA 'big pink painkillers').

Off to Glan Clywd again tomorrow to get the stitches removed and to start using the scar reduction stuff (bless - the hospital noticed I have a slightly unsightly scar on my neck thanks to thyroid cancer, they thought they would provide some extra help this time round - except my hair will cover it...). I'm also hoping that I get my activation date and rehab appointments sorted out too, am starting to feel the need for some structure and forward planning.

Sunday 12 December 2010

Odd head, would someone give me mine back?

Number of sleeps since implantation:  6
Today's thoughts: Is my head magnetic? 

Feeling roughly the same today. Yesterday we ventured out to a garden centre to stave off cabin fever.
It was an odd experience as I kept having to turn in full circles in order to work out which direction sound was coming from - which in turn made me even more dizzy.
It was good to get out further than the backyard, but it has taken the wind out of my sails today, so I have had several naps.
My stitches are very irritating, so can't wait for Tuesday to get them removed - just hoping that my head doesn't pop apart...

Saturday 11 December 2010

Something to ponder

"We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us is something valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. 
Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit" ~ e.e. Cummings

How did that happen?

Number of sleeps since implantation: 5
Today's thoughts: a mini meltdown

I'm bawling my eyes out here...
I'm in pain and for the first time I'm wondering what I have let myself in for - I think the euphoria of the operation has well and truly worn off.

Just read this on another CI site:

"When you become a cyborg, you're no less human than you were before" ~ Michael Chorost

The essence of 'being human' is something which bothers me.

Friday 10 December 2010

Whizzy

Number of sleeps since implantation: 4
Today's thoughts: When will everything stop spinning?

Gosh - what a week.
Can't believe it's only a week since I finished work (LOL what did I used to do???), so much seems to have happened.

I'm in quite a bit of pain at the moment, it feels like someone has stuck a knitting needle in my ear and is poking my brain... sorry, that's a bit graphic - but it blinking well hurts.
The stitches are tight too, so painkillers every 4 hours is the much needed order of the day.

Have started trying to think what it might be that I want from life, part three (when the painkillers have taken effect and the room has stopped spinning, that is!)

So far, I have put my Uni studies on hold (what on earth I was trying to prove to myself I'll never know). I have decided to re-start them again in May 2011 - but am going to go back to studying Psychology.

Ummm... and that's it for today really.

Thursday 9 December 2010

Drunken feeling, without the drink obviously

Number of sleeps since implantation: 3
Today's thoughts: Gobbledygook

Gosh my head is spinning, can't see in straight lines at the moment, so hopefully the spellchecker will keep this post in line.
The dizziness feels like being drunk, without the drink - the thought of alcohol is enough to turn my stomach...
Have tried to do some practical stuff today - had to sort out my sick note after forgetting to ask for one in Wales, the poor locum doctor had a shock when I removed my headscarf.
Other than that, I've had my hair cut, by a hairdresser this time. Sharon has done a great job, I'm impressed.
Need my afternoon sleep now.

Wednesday 8 December 2010

Today's photo - look away now if your squeamish...


The Frankenstein Photo

The bandages are off...

Number of sleeps since implantation: 2
Today's thought: Pixie Ear

Today's big news is the removal of the bandages to reveal my new head artwork.
To be fair, the surgeons have done a great job, very neat and tidy - though I do feel a bit like Ms. Frankenstein.
Weirdly, I seem have had some sort of 'ear job' at the same time and I am now supporting a left pixie style ear (which I'm pretty certain I never had to start with).

I am now home from hospital, a touch woozy, but all in one piece. I have been sent home with a plethora of medications, which I DO need to take as the operation site and my neck are quite painful.

I must admit I am finding it very difficult to sit still though, I am such a bad patient.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to get my hair sorted out, though goodness knows what the hairdresser will suggest, other than a full skin head. However, I do like today's style - a side ponytail and scarf!
I think I might need a nap now.

Tuesday 7 December 2010

The photos....


Hello from the other side...

Number of sleeps since implantation: 1
Today's thought: Dizzy 

Well I'm still here, which is always a good sign.
Because my heads still a bit whizzy, I'll try and do a list of what happened yesterday (well what I can remember anyway!)

7am - hair shaved off, prepped for theatre.
7.30am - more hair shaved off... not happy bunny at that point.
8.45am - taken to theatre, all useful veins did a runner, cue lots of arm slapping.
9.20am - went to sleeeeeeep
2.30pm - think I can recall being brought back from theatre. Lots of bleeding from head area.
4pm - nurse asked me if I was hungry - world first - Emma said no!
5-7pm - seemed to be given lots of injections, started my vomit marathon...
7pm - Hubby arrived, with cute new bear.
8-9pm - continuation of vomit marathon, more injections and put on a drip
11pm - woke up to find my hand had swelled to enormous proportions (weird...)
5am - woke up again to drip inserted in other hand - suddenly felt v. hungry so had coffee and biscuits.

And now, the doctors have been to visit and have told me I'm to go for an x-ray to check everything is where it should be (might ask them to have a look at my hand too).
If I behave and be a good patient, they will let me go home tomorrow.

So that's it really. If yesterday was the worse I am going to feel, then thank goodness it's over and done with.

Monday 6 December 2010

Now tomorrow's here today

Number of sleeps remaining: 0
Today's thoughts: See you on the other side

It's 7.38am, I'm already missing a significant chunk of hair. I always wondered what I would look like with a skinhead, now I know.
I'm prepped for theatre, so just sat here waiting for it all to happen now.

What I am thinking/feeling? Dunno really, feel a bit sickly, but on the whole I just want it over, and of course I am going to get my wish now. (Thank goodness I hear you collectively say!)

I'll write some more when I can - but a sincere thanks to all for putting up with me over the last month or so - I know I have been difficult to be around. I hope that in the future there will be some small way that I can repay your kindness.
 
 
Now tomorrow's here today
And yesterday's todays just fade away
~ Perfect, Lightning Seeds 

Sunday 5 December 2010

Nil by mouth

Number of sleeps remaining: A couple of hours if I'm lucky
10 hours to go...

So I'm now 'nil by mouth', don't think I could stomach anything anyway.
I can honestly say these last few weeks have felt like living hell - I hope, dear reader, that you never have to make this kind of decision.
When Hubby left the hospital, he said 'goodbye' to my left ear (or my left hearing aid) - that started the tears, just when you thought you are all cried out, there are always a few more waiting. However, he was right, my trusty left hearing aid has served me well - it has let me feel like part of the hearing world.

Oh, and another thing - my hair is being shaved off in the morning.

Chez Glan Clywd

Number of sleeps remaining: 1
15 hours to go

Well, I'm now here at Glan Clywd.

It took me less than 15 minutes to become an impatient patient, though the staff seem very kind and don't mind me mithering on about my hair.
I am in a side room of my own, with a TV which has subtitles (!!), my own 'facilities' and a really odd bed with numerous controls.
I've just had my tea, soup (think it might have been chicken), quiche and trifle. I was rather hungry and wolfed it down, possibly a little too quickly.

So far it feels very weird, I'm in hospital yet not ill!

Deaf humour :D

Number of sleeps remaining: 1

Those who know me will probably have a giggle at this!


A day I always knew would happen, but never wanted it to

Number of sleeps remaining: 1
Today's thought: IT'S Here (see earlier posts for a link to 'IT')

Well, it's 7.49am and I've actually managed to have quite a decent sleep.
Had a great day yesterday with the early Christmas activity, the meal was delicious - even though I say so myself :)

I need to be at the hospital for 4pm, or maybe 2pm - depending on which letter I read (so I am going to go with the middle-man and aim for 3pm) - goodness knows why I need to be there quite that early. Perhaps I've got a final round of hearing tests to look forward to. I am wondering at which point they can going to shave my hair off...

Let battle commence.

Saturday 4 December 2010

Pre-match nerves

Number of sleeps remaining: 2
Today's thoughts: bit too early for thoughts yet.

Well, it's 6.24am and I've been awake for the last hour or so.
So far I've got one load of washing done and have watched an episode of Neighbours on Sky+.

It feels a bit like the day before Christmas Eve, you know, when you still have loads to do.

So today's task list!
  • Food shop for the next two weeks (Hubby has kindly offered to put the Christmas tree up while my son and I do this)
  • Buy new slippers and cosy PJ's (you can never have too many pairs of slippers)
  • Make 'early Christmas dinner' (My daughter and BF are coming to visit, soooo excited)
  • Sort pets out
  • Sort out bag for hospital
  • Google cochlear implants some more just in case there is anything I've missed
  • Ummmm... panic some more

Friday 3 December 2010

Another chapter closed

Number of sleeps remaining: 3
Today's thoughts: Is this it?

Well, I've just finished work - the 'out of office' is on, so Emma is officially out of the building.
For now I can't imagine walking back through the door, the familiar suddenly feels very unfamiliar.

Wish I had a time machine so that I could see how things will be this time next week.

I think there is something to be said for 'living for the moment', so why on earth I am trying to live in the future?

Thanks to those who have been there today, your kindness and friendship has meant a great deal.

Thursday 2 December 2010

The strangeness of families... (Apols to traditional ones)

Number of sleeps remaining: 4
Today's thought: Absolutely void 

Feel a bit better than I did last night, managed a good nights sleep - which always helps.
Delivered my last training session, as me as I am now - and how do I feel about that, well see today's thoughts.

My son, seemed to have a bit of a wobble this morning. I can see he is scared for me (and also about who will make tea in my absence!! - he's dreaming of take-outs!!) It's not fair for a 15 year old to have these kinds of worries, the poor kid had seen me treated for cancer and as a parent it's certainly not a memory that you want to create in your childs childhood. It's the same for my daughter, although she has her own life now, she still worries for her Mump.

Had a bit of a strange email from my other Uncle, he did a 'Mother' and never acknowledged the 'news' - so guess it isn't news to him.
No word from my Father - thanks f**king family.

Thank God for my own little family - without them I would be totally alone.

So if there are any families out there looking for info on implants and you happen to land on this page - the best advice from me, please show some your implantee some support.

Wednesday 1 December 2010

Blackness

Number of sleeps remaining: 5

Things not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Can't stand this hell I feel


~ Metallica
Fade to Black

(hoping for a lighter day tomorrow)

who. turned. the. lights. out?

Number of sleeps remaining: 5
Today's thoughts: Black

Not a good day, full of black thoughts.

Spent my working today delivering a training session - will I ever do that in the future (well... yes tomorrow as I am also delivering the same session again...) - But you know what I mean?

Tried to think how I would feel if it was Hubby who was having the operation and not me, I've seen the stress that this is causing him - what right do I have to do that to anyone, especially the closest person to me? What about my children?

This whole thing is MASSIVE.